Men in our culture have lived according to a set of rules (“the man code”), which we now know have been very detrimental to their emotional and physical well-being. Because of the pressure to appear “strong and silent,” men have learned to hide their feelings from others—and often from themselves. Men have also traditionally been reluctant to seek help for their problems—whether physical, emotional, or otherwise— because they are afraid it may be perceived as a sign of weakness. As a result, it is often their partner or spouse who encourage (or insist) that men seek help.

On the bright side, however, my experience in working with men is that, once they come in for counseling, they quickly realize the benefits and get drawn into the process. I have worked with countless men who began therapy with little or no self-awareness or emotional expressiveness and who, after a period of counseling, became more in touch with themselves and their feelings, better able to understand their emotions and behavior, and more effective in relating to and communicating with significant others in their lives, including their partner, spouse, children and friends.

In working with men, I pay particular attention to the following:

• It is important for men to realize that there is often an underlying, unexpressed, and more vulnerable emotion (e.g., sadness, anxiety, shame) masquerading as anger. Expanding their emotional repertoire and being able to express a full range of emotions is a key growth area for men.
• In contrast to the culture of women, which tends to emphasize relatedness, connection and intimacy, the culture of men favors autonomy, independence and self-reliance. As a result, men tend to be isolated and lonely, with few, if any, close friends. Developing closer, more genuine relationships—true friendships where a man is able to be his authentic self and share his vulnerabilities—is an important part of the growth process for men.
• Shame plays a powerful role in the life of men. As part of the process of growth, it is important for men to learn how to acknowledge and discuss their shame, thereby diminishing its negative impact.
• Men, who have been socialized to be “doers,” can benefit from placing greater emphasis on “being.” Not only can this help men get better in touch with their inner lives and emotions, it can also help strengthen their intimate relationships.